__Q/A__Q: Where do the complex numbers take drinks?

A: Z, of course. [ Pronounced "zee-bar." ]

Q: Why was Cauchy convicted in the USA for violating its constitution?

A: Because he conspired with Schwarz in advocating ineqality.

Q: How does an engineer define a vector space?

A: A set V satisfying the axiom that for any x in V, x has a little arrow drawn over it.

Q: What is the shortest mathematical joke?

A: “Let ε < 0.”

Q: shortest possible geek joke

A: geek and a girl were walking down the road.

Q: What is the difference between the diameter and the radius?

A: The radius.

Q: What did the number zero say to eight?

A: Nice belt!1

Q: What does the little Mermaid wear to math class?

A: An algebra.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Q: How many voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, voters can't change anything.

what do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a Vampire?

autoexec.bat

__One Liners:__To a mathematician, real life is a special case.

[]= pi square

My IQ is complex as i can imagine.

The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX

Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are

If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery

C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

Your Momma thinks square roots are vegetables.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

__Classics:__Math saves lives

A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the pre-med blurts out.

The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: “Because math saves lives.”

“How?” demanded the student. “How on Earth does calculus save lives?”

“Because,” replied the professor, “it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic.

"What's wrong?" asks e^x.

"There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."

So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."

"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."

'A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.

The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.

The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.

The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.

"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"

"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right

BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...

BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH

BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU

BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES

BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY

BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES

BlackAdder> IN FACT

BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW

BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE

BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG

*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*

*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right

CRCError> right

heartless> Right.

r3v> right

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down. He called a plumber.

The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted.

However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him: "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?

You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved.

He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade.

So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math.

The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle.

The person asked was the professor.

He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula.

He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got "minus pi times r square".

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus.

He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper:

"Switch the limits of the integral!!"